Beating myself up about my anxiety only made me feel worse.

It was only when I compared to myself to a fly that I realised that I could learn to live with my generalised anxiety disorder.

The warm water from the shower splashed onto the glass of the shower door and ran down in droplets slowly. Then out of the corner of my eye, I spot a small fly. He made his way around the glass and inspected the water droplets around him. Weaving in and out of them, he controlled himself with ease, eager to find a way out. I watched as a water droplet hit him and he was almost knocked back, but he was persistent to find a way out. Finally, he found a gap in the shower door and he made his escape. 

I started to focus on myself again. I felt sick inside and I could feel the adrenaline building inside of me. I knew another panic attack was making its way through my body, getting ready to take over and ruin my morning. Beating myself up about my anxiety is something that happens often, I knew I had to focus on something else again, anything. My head has been so puzzled recently and this sinking feeling inside is getting unbearable to deal with.

I started thinking about the fly again. For a moment, I felt like I was the fly, which seems silly, but in the moment, it made sense. He had to travel along the glass, to avoid all the water droplets. In a way, it’s like those water droplets are my problems, anything and everything holding me back. I thought back to when the fly got hit by the water droplet, he didn’t let it hold him back. Why do I let my anxiety hold me back?

After my shower, I decided to go out on a walk to wear off the anxiety that I was feeling and to give myself some thinking time. I sat on an old bench in a quiet space in the park and focused on the grass and trees and birds.

I’ve always viewed my anxiety as a problem with my personality, and not a mental illness. Recently, I’ve felt terrible because of how much I hate myself for getting stressed so easily. Feeling sorry for myself is getting old. I thought for a long while about how I can do better to cope with it, to welcome my anxiety and show it that I’m not afraid. I know I’m doing enough, and I have to stop putting myself down for the smallest things.

This was yesterday. I’m going to be more positive about my anxiety going forward.

Mental health is being talked about more and more by so many people. It seems that most people who don’t suffer from mental health issues are doing the best that they can to try and support those who do. Although it’s becoming more socially accepted, I continue to beat myself up about having generalised anxiety disorder, but I don’t want to do that to myself anymore.

Just like that fly, I’m going to find a way out. It won’t happen straight away, but until then, I’m going to learn to cope with it.